On my weekly flight from Wellington back to Auckland recently, I was sat in the aisle seat, as is my way. I seldom notice who else is on the flight as I prefer to not engage with others for fear of a tiresome conversation with an overly exuberant person who lacks the emotional intelligence to realise I don’t want to talk!
Anyway, I happened to notice the man (I would normally refer to the term gentlemen, but my reasoning for not doing so will become apparent) sitting in the centre seat of the row in front of me. For a moment, I thought he had an ear plug or hearing aid of some sort that was black. To my absolute horror, I realized it was a patch of hair, thick set black hair spewing from his ear hole! I must say that it was all I could do to maintain demeanour. I have never seen such a sight! Naturally it got me wondering?

Would you not notice that a small glade is developing in your orifice? How can you hear?  Would a wife or partner not bring this to your attention, whilst holding you down and applying some form of epilator?

I mean it’s obvious that he wasn’t gay, no self-respecting gay gentleman would leave their immaculately styled abode in such a state.  As I leaned in further to investigate the ‘mass’ I happened to view a band on the third finger of the left hand…. Shoot the wife!

Seriously men, there is no excuse for this. It’s not appealing to have hirsute ears or nostrils for any of the numerous genders one can identify as today. I mean here’s a hint, we tend to use the term eye brows, so when you can no longer count more than one, there’s a problem. Let’s not drop our standards, which I suspect are probably double standards as I’m sure you’re not looking forward to going home and stroking your wife’s arm pits!!!! Please don’t bother trying to argue that there is some evolutionary purpose for this hair, I’m sure there is, but may I bring this to your attention? It is proposed that pubic hair evolved as a reservoir for sexual pheromones! It store’s your scent…oh my god, I’ll get mine courtesy of Dior and Donna Karan thanks.

It’s a slippery slope men! I am not asking you all to turn metro sexual and start moisturising your skin, manicuring your nails and waxing your nether regions, just keep the bush undercover and not on display.
I’m not sure what you were told growing up or in the pub with your mates, but girls are not keen if they can’t tell your front from your back! Seriously it’s not that hard to make an appointment and get your shoulders and backs waxed!!!

Now, as I always say to my team, ‘don’t come to me with problems, come with solutions’. So here is my simple maintenance regime.

Moisturise every day (it’s beyond me why you want your skin to age unnecessarily prematurely).

You don’t have to go top of the range, L’Oréal or other supermarket products are fine.  However, I use Clinique for Men Maximum Hydrator.  Fortunately, I do travel a lot so can get it duty free, but you’re looking around NZD$85 for 50ml and that should last you 4 – 6 months.

Remember men, it’s just a dab on the forehead, both cheeks, nose and both sides of your jaw (just under the jawline).  Rub in and you’re done.  (preferably after you shave)

Face cleanser 3 times a week (I don’t like daily cleansing as I think it’s hard on your skin) 

Again, there are plenty of supermarket products. I use Clinique for Men Facewash (normal to dry) in the shower.  It says you can rinse off, but you should use a face sponge.

Exfoliate twice a week (again I don’t exfoliate daily for the same reasons, but I also don’t suffer from oily skin) 

I use Clinique for Men Exfoliating Tonic. Very simple process and remember, you don’t have to exfoliate where you shave so it’s half the face basically!

Now I ask you how hard was that? That’s a basic regime, I add in the following:

Clinique for Men Watery Moisture lotion (if I’ve been in the sun or somewhere dry for a long period)

Clinique Anti-fatigue cooling eye gel.  If you look like shit in the morning, roll this under your eyes, stretch the bag out and run the hair dryer over your face and watch the magic happen!!!!

Now about that bush!

The best product out there boys, is the Veet Sensitive Precision Beauty Styler! Trust me, get over the fact that it’s pink and uses the term ‘beauty’. It’s fantastic. You can trim your eye brows back with a safe applicator that keeps them at an acceptable length. It has a double sided head and one is small enough to keep the ‘battle of the brows’ apart. Just a nice gap men usually dictated by your brow bone. It has a nasal hair trimmer second to none which you can also use on your ears! You can remove the top and change it to the traditional shaver head, and it’s a fabulous size for navigating those more delicate area’s that can get away on us!

Don’t be pathetic men!, it all needs trimming. No one is asking you to go Brazilian on it, just tame the beast!

Useful fact, for those of you who may wish they were more ‘endowed’, then trim your bush right back and add inches immediately!

It’s all about perception boys!, they only see it briefly anyway so may as well give them a good impression before it gets to work! Might I also add, and there’s really no nice way of saying this, so I’ll just say it. No one likes to gag on a pube, a bit of consideration is much appreciated…how very dare you!